Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Only Buzzwords You Need To Know For Landing A Job On LinkedIn

According to this new report, the following job-hunting phrases are vastly over-used on LinkedInInnovative, Extensive Experience, Results-Oriented, Dynamic, Proven Track Record, Team Player, Fast-Paced, Problem Solver and Entrepreneurial.
Well I don’t need any fancy data visualizations to tell you those buzzwords were so Last Year.0, but what I CAN offer you is the definitive list of totally jacked buzzwords you need to know RIGHT NOW if you want to get a job on LinkedIn.
Apptomized - You’ve got a lot of apps, and you’re very proud of it, and you like to show everyone your apps all the time.
Millennial Falcon - Older management types are pretty terrified of “Millennials” (we younger folks who better understand why reading the Internet for 98% of the work day is actually “productive”). So it’s often helpful to distinguish yourself from the rest of the kids these days, and the word “Falcon” is a great way to do that.
Profitarded - You just bring in stupid amounts of profits.
Funethical - You like to have great time with business ethics. Not in a “bad” way. In a fun way.
Email-Competent - You totally “get” emailing.
Innovajazzled - You take innovation and cover it in sparkles around its private parts.
Instagrammatically/Hipstamatically Correct - While not an expert photographer, per se, you certainly know your way around app filters that make iPhone pics look all like old-timey or whatever.
Multi-Taskin’ Robbins - That’s what successful business leaders call people who are good at multi-tasking. Seriously, it’s true. Look it up!
Q4 Loko - When it comes to getting sales up during that crucial last quarter of the year, you just get crazy productive.
Anti-Petty Theft - This is a good one because it just lets people know, straight up, that you’re not about stealing small amounts of change and what not.
LOLiterate - You’re not necessarily multi-lingual, but you definitely speak Internet.
Wheelin-Dealin’ - Yes, it’s been around for awhile, but coming back with a retro vengeance. So sit back down, Glengarry Glen Ross, because this one is for closers only.
Engorged - You’ve got a rock hard work ethic and throbbingly positive attitude.
Jargon-Hunter - You live on Mashable and other ridiculous tech/social media blogs, so you always come correct with the latest totally made up words and “web trends”.
Feedmonster - You’re jacked in to all the feeds and absorb all the net data from the dot matrix.
Normal Sweaty - You just sweat a normal amount.
True Gritty - You’re the kind of person who wears an eye-patch, talks in a Southern drawl, and has maybe shot a couple of them boys who rustled up the wrong outlaw’s daughter.
Revenude - You’ll do anything to help out the bottom line, even if it means not wearing pants and showing everyone your bottom line.
Goal-Oriental - Your main goal is to stop using antiquated ethnic terms out loud.
Groupon-Getter - You’re a good person to have around because you’re a person who knows where to get great deals on assorted nuts and tickets to comedy clubs.
Stratjacked - He (or she) whose strat is jacked. This is far and away the most important buzzword, and one that never goes out of fashion. It’s the buzzword that says you already know all the right buzzwords, and within the course of this job interview, just saved someone’s business by winning The Whole Internet™.

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